Nuns castrate prayer!

Sick and tired of masculine language

Roadkill, New York--This sleepy hollow town got a rude awakening recently. The Sisters of St. Elen Luydogg, whose convent is located here, announced publication of a new prayer book for members of the Ecclesial Body of the USA.

'The sisters decided they were tired of masculine language in the psalter,' explained Mother M. Bruise Lee to Dogma Review, 'so we decided to rewrite the psalms to remove any vestige of masculinity from them.'

Mr Bruise (photo, left) continued, 'The reform started one day when Sr. Linda Sphincter came into my office and dropped a floppy disk on my desk. "I'm sick of all the masculine language in the psalter," she told me. "I've been doing some work on it. Would you be willing to format my work so we can begin using these psalms in chapel?"'

According to Mr Bruise, this revision has resulted in enriched prayers. 'Many women are now represented in the antiphons,' she said, 'and their voices are heard in appropriate places.' She added that prayers also refer to the cosmos and to other developments in the life of their religious community.

'Of course, now that we are baptising and ordaining dogs, we will want to include references to canine candidates. For example, we would like to add Lassie to our calendar, but she died unbaptised,' Mr Bruise said.

So that readers may experience the sisters' forward-looking renewal activities, they have granted permission to Dogma Review to print their rendition of Psalm 23.

The Almighty is my leader. I have everything I want.

I am fed in a green pasture and am led forth beside waters of comfort.

My soul, if I have a soul, is converted, if it can be converted.

I shall be brought forth in the paths of righteousness for the sake of the name of the Almighty.

Yes, I might walk through the valley of the shadow of death

but I don't have to fear evil because there is no such thing as evil.

You are with me. Your vagina and your vulva comfort me.

You set a table for me against those who trouble me.

You anoint my head with oil and my vagina shall be full.

Your lovingkindness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.

And I shall crash in your house forever.

Glory be to the Parent and to the Offspring and to the Holy Wind:

As it was &c

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Rice ribs Iraq

Propping up sagging war program

Washington, DC--Congoleezza Rice is off to Iraq reported unnamed White House sources. Hoping to prop up the President's sagging war program, she will host an All-American state banquet in the USA Embassy in Doggibagh, capital city of Iraq.

'Secretary Rice (photo left) will receive Iraq's president and other dignitaries,' explained a spokesman. 'The state banquet menu has been approved. It features American regional dishes,' he explained.

All American menu for All American affair

The menu will highlight sausage rolls also known as pigs-in-a-blanket and baby pork spareribs prepared from a secret recipe, a specialty of the White House 'down on the farm' in Joan Crawford, TX.

Generous portions of Boston baked pork and beans will top off dining for the guests, followed by slices of hot apple pie and ice cream. A vast array of American wines and spirits will accompany each course. As is now customary, the meal will begin with Grace to suggest that America is one nation under One Deity.

'Of course, when we served a similar meal in Tel Aviv,' added the White House spokesman, 'the Israeli government is said to have protested.' Readers will recall President Dubya, ever astute analyst of foreign affairs, felt it was a misunderstanding, since kosher wines were not offered.

Mary appears to priest: I am the Counter Reformation

Shocking news
Longuini, Italy--News from this pastoral city in northern Italy today shocked the world. Father Adeste Fideli told his flock the Virgin Mary appeared to him in a vision. Photo right: Fr Adeste

Jesus angry
'Mary is highly displeased with her children on earth,' reported the priest. 'Her Son commanded her to tell me He is angry because of all the humano-centric amendments and corruptions imposed upon His Church. He does not like kumbayah.'

Counter Reformation
'I am the Counter Reformation,' proclaims the holy Mother. 'My Son wants Latin to be the language of worship. He wants altars put back where they belong. He wants the "Holy of Holies" layout as decreed by His Father in the Old Testament.' Father also revealed Mary wants Mozart, Gregorian chant and other acceptable music modalities to once again be part of worship.

Ecclesial Bodies react
'What Father Fideli proposes is diametrically opposed to what we of the World Council of Ecclesial Bodies believe!' exclaimed Bishop Henriette Hoarhound, Chief Spokeshound for the World Council. 'This is quite at odds with our insights into contemporary, liberal religious thought.' Photo, left:Bp Hoarhound.

The bishop went on to declaim that Father Fideli's proposals are tantamount to insisting that the date for Easter move about. It will be remembered the World Council wants to fix the date of Easter. This will enable the American confection industry and greeting card industry better prepare for the annual celebration.

It will also be remembered that, with the withdrawal of the Russian Church from this organization, the World Council now speaks for almost two percent of world believers.

Virgin Birth? Or artificial insemination?

Mystery has to make sense.
Oxford--This week, Humbley 'Pee-Pee' Pigg-Puggsley, Dean of Dogdalen College, announced results of his research into New Testament accounts of the Virgin Birth. 'The thinking, intelligent believer today cannot accept the notion of a virgin birth,' declaimed Dr. Pigg-Puggsley (photo below). 'We liberal theologians have to present articles of belief in terms the intellect can comprehend. The faith has to be clearly logical at all levels. Mystery has to make sense.'

Dr. Pigg-Puggsley's teaching offers insight into making sense of the mysteries of the faith. He ranks with the leading divines in contemporary liberal religious thought.

How can this be since I know not a man?
Dr. Pigg-Puggsley proposes the mother of Jesus could have been artificially inseminated. 'Granted this process was probably unknown in New Testament times,' he stated, 'but it helps explain Mary's response to the messenger, "How can this be since I know not a man?" I believe this process could have been carried out accidentally,' he says. 'It is the only logical way to explain the virgin birth concept, other than considering pre-marital sex possibilities.' He concludes, 'If faith is to endure, we have to recast its tenets in terms the mind can accommodate.'

First pet dog baptised in England!

The Lady Mistabel baptised amid court ceremonial.
Greater Bitching, England--With all the glorious pageantry the rite for baptism of pets can summon forth, The Lady Mistabel von Dachs-Dogburg-Gotha was baptised by Her Grace, Grace, Archbishop of Panterbury. 'We are happy to welcome this little schnauzer into the Ecclesial Body of England,' beamed her Grace.

The Lady Mistabel (see photo) nestles in the arms of her Dogmother, The Infanta Beatriz de Belem of Spain, while her Dogfather, the Crown Prince, holds the baptismal candle.

Guests present gifts
Charles, Prince of Tails, and Nagmilla, Duchess of Horssex, represented Queen Elizabark. They brought framed photos of royal corgis. Barkatrix, Queen of the Kennelands, sent an engraved silver feeding bowl. Chao Bow-wow, Premier of China, honoured the newly-baptised with his country's highest honour. This was the Order of Pu-pi, first class, with diamond badge and sash.

President Dubyah in Washington did not attend. He was not invited, and in any case, was too busy starting up another war to be involved in social events.

Readers will recall that Lambone Palace recently authorized the baptism of pets. Leaders in contemporary religious thought are overjoyed.

Doggerel for The Lady Mistabel on the day of her baptism

I think that I shall never log
A poem lovely as a dog.
A dog that eyeth every tree
Seeking out a place to wee.
Poems are made by fools like me
But only dogs can rule to pee.

Sir Rover de Bassett, Poet laureate

Mistabel's pedigree

• Dogwic of Hwndog m. Barcca von Schnauzerberg-Strelitz
• Helmut of Hwndog m. Dogwinna von Dachs-Dogburg-Gotha
• Mistabel of Hwndog m. Dogbrecht von Dachs-Dogburg-Gotha
• The Lady Mistabel von Dachs-Dogburg-Gotha

'Easter incredible, impossible!' spouts angry divine

Resurrection tale unbelievable

Oxford - 'How any thinking man can stomach the idea of a physical resurrection of Jesus is beyond me,' seethed the Rev. Haughtie Chappe, Lord Snidely of Rood (photo, left). Lord Snidely, a member of Synod, continued, 'To attract new members, we must develop articles of faith that anyone can believe in.' Lord Snidely was addressing the Synod of the Ecclesial Body of England.

Optional dogma
'If we are to grow in numbers we have to admit the only requirement to belong to the Ecclesial Body of England is the affirmation, "I believe." At the risk of offending anybody, we must not specify what a member has to believe in order to belong. Dogma will be optional.'

This opens the door for ordaining openly gay clergy. The EB of England has already ordained dogs to the ministry, since Lambone Palace authorized the baptism of pets and all creatures. Lord Snidely concluded, 'Our only credo shall be "I believe whatsoever has been believed by anyone at any time and in any place if I choose so to do."

Congoleezza off to Latin America
Washington, DC - Now that results of the Venezuela and Nicaragua elections are in, the White House has decided the people in Latin America need for training on how to conduct free, fair and democratic elections. 'After all,' explained Congoleezza Rice, 'the people in Venezuela and Nicaragua missed the point of free, fair and democratic elections because they elected the wrong candidates!'

Accordingly, Rice will travel to Central and South America to right the wrong perceived by Washington pundits. To demonstrate solidarity Rice will host a banquet at the US Embassy in Buenos Aires, capitol of the Argentine. 'We will serve a wonderful Tex-Mex dinner to our brothers and sisters in the Argentine to show them we are aware of our responsibilities to our foreign relations,' Rice added.

Chefs from the Texas White House in Joan Crawford, TX will provide recipes for Texas style chili, beans and rice, enchiladas, tacos, tamales and taco salad. The White House takes pleasure in announcing they are even sending Texas beef to ensure the best possible food will be provided.

Congoleezza defends DC policy

Soddam got fair trial!


Washington, DC---Congoleezza Rice fielded reporters' questions last week on the steps of the White House.

'President Dubyah kept his word regarding the late Soddam of Iraq,' she claimed. 'He said Soddam would get a fair trial, and then we would hang him. That's what happened, thanks to free and fair American due process.'

Rice affected Liberian dress in preparation for her trip to Africa. She will teach the Third World of Africa more abou how to develop American style democracy with free and fair elections. She just got back from her tour of India and Pakistan which, despite her visit, remain quiet.

BITCHING ELEVEN ORDAINED

Retired renegard bishop defies canine law

Greater Bitching, England---In what some observers are calling a 'highly irregular affair', The Right Reverend Batson Belfry, Bishop of Ghanarrhea, West Africa (ret.), ordained eleven bitches. 'We are most surprised by this,' gasped Her Grace, Grace, Archbishop of Panterbury today at Lambone Palace.

Bishop Belfry, who resides in a sanitorium on the grounds of Wrotmanov House at Greater Bitching stated he was petting the animals. 'One so loves a petting zoo, wot?' he remarked as his white-coated entourage steered him back to his residence.

Nothing more might have come of this, except Gloria Boneham, fiery feminist activist happened to witness the ordination. She heralded it as a triumph for bitches. 'I am glad a bishop had the courage of his convictions! Bitchery will never more be the same!' she trilled.

It will be noted that despite agitation for female rights, no male canines were ordained.


Sheikh foams at mouth

Doggibagh, Iraq---On learning the Ecclesial Body of England has ordained dogs, Sheikh Moohamid bin Beef-kayq (left) denounced honouring dogs. Furious, he spouted passages from the Cur'an. He declared a holy war (jihad) against all dog lovers. Rabid followers raged through the streets of Doggibagh screaming 'Death to American devil dogs!'

When news of the jihad reached Rome, highly placed officials commented, 'What? Again?'

"Okay to baptise pets!" barks Lambone Palace

Nothing prevents it
London In a frantic bid to grab front runner status in current liberal religious thought, Lambone Palace today announced permission has been granted for baptising dogs and other pets according to the English rite. "We have been using the Sacrament of Ordination for years to ordain women," said a spokesman, "so it only stands to reason we can use the baptismal rite to baptise pets."

It was further announced that Holy Scripture and The Common Book of Prayer remain characteristically silent on the subject, as they do on the ordination of women. However, noting a torrent of stupendous and sizable donations flooding in from ecstatic pet owners, the Lambone spokesman said he could find no earthly reason to deny the Sacrament of Baptism to Man's best friends.

England's first religious order of bitches barks!
Houndsgate, England "The vision for an order of dogs came to me after I learned the Ecclesial Body of England ordained bitches," reported Mother M. Beatrice of Bethlehem, foundress of the new order. "Through an arrangement with Her Grace, Grace, Archbishop of Panterbury, my several kennels of dogs were received into the religious life," continued Mother Beatrice. Photo below, left.

Give me mad dogs rather than women, O Lord!
The Order is called the Sisters of St. Sithney who is patron of Mad Dogs. His feast day is 4 August. St. Sithney said he would rather be patron of mad dogs than patron of girls. "Mad dogs rather than women, O Lord," said the saint. From this comes the notion of women's lib. St. Sithney said that when he got to heaven, he did not want to be bothered with petitions from young girls for husbands or fine clothes. From this, leading feminists came to believe the saint was telling women everywhere they could expect more from life than marriage and new pantyhose. St. Sithney of Cornwall lived ca 529.

Bitches in heat
"When a sister comes into heat, she adopts an eremitical lifestyle," explained Mother Beatrice. "She occupies the Order's hermitage until the end of oestrus time."

At full moon, the Sisters celebrate Howlingmas, and yap a daily seven-fold office. Dog years form the basis for counting time in the monastery.

The first five life professed Sisters of St. Sithney

l-r: Sr. M. Dixie of Blue Feels; Sr. M. Sylvia of Sibley;

Sr. M. Carmen Miranda; Sr. M. St. Hydrophobia, & Sr. M. Purina of Kibble.