BITCHING ELEVEN ORDAINED

Retired renegard bishop defies canine law

Greater Bitching, England---In what some observers are calling a 'highly irregular affair', The Right Reverend Batson Belfry, Bishop of Ghanarrhea, West Africa (ret.), ordained eleven bitches. 'We are most surprised by this,' gasped Her Grace, Grace, Archbishop of Panterbury today at Lambone Palace.

Bishop Belfry, who resides in a sanitorium on the grounds of Wrotmanov House at Greater Bitching stated he was petting the animals. 'One so loves a petting zoo, wot?' he remarked as his white-coated entourage steered him back to his residence.

Nothing more might have come of this, except Gloria Boneham, fiery feminist activist happened to witness the ordination. She heralded it as a triumph for bitches. 'I am glad a bishop had the courage of his convictions! Bitchery will never more be the same!' she trilled.

It will be noted that despite agitation for female rights, no male canines were ordained.


Sheikh foams at mouth

Doggibagh, Iraq---On learning the Ecclesial Body of England has ordained dogs, Sheikh Moohamid bin Beef-kayq (left) denounced honouring dogs. Furious, he spouted passages from the Cur'an. He declared a holy war (jihad) against all dog lovers. Rabid followers raged through the streets of Doggibagh screaming 'Death to American devil dogs!'

When news of the jihad reached Rome, highly placed officials commented, 'What? Again?'

"Okay to baptise pets!" barks Lambone Palace

Nothing prevents it
London In a frantic bid to grab front runner status in current liberal religious thought, Lambone Palace today announced permission has been granted for baptising dogs and other pets according to the English rite. "We have been using the Sacrament of Ordination for years to ordain women," said a spokesman, "so it only stands to reason we can use the baptismal rite to baptise pets."

It was further announced that Holy Scripture and The Common Book of Prayer remain characteristically silent on the subject, as they do on the ordination of women. However, noting a torrent of stupendous and sizable donations flooding in from ecstatic pet owners, the Lambone spokesman said he could find no earthly reason to deny the Sacrament of Baptism to Man's best friends.

England's first religious order of bitches barks!
Houndsgate, England "The vision for an order of dogs came to me after I learned the Ecclesial Body of England ordained bitches," reported Mother M. Beatrice of Bethlehem, foundress of the new order. "Through an arrangement with Her Grace, Grace, Archbishop of Panterbury, my several kennels of dogs were received into the religious life," continued Mother Beatrice. Photo below, left.

Give me mad dogs rather than women, O Lord!
The Order is called the Sisters of St. Sithney who is patron of Mad Dogs. His feast day is 4 August. St. Sithney said he would rather be patron of mad dogs than patron of girls. "Mad dogs rather than women, O Lord," said the saint. From this comes the notion of women's lib. St. Sithney said that when he got to heaven, he did not want to be bothered with petitions from young girls for husbands or fine clothes. From this, leading feminists came to believe the saint was telling women everywhere they could expect more from life than marriage and new pantyhose. St. Sithney of Cornwall lived ca 529.

Bitches in heat
"When a sister comes into heat, she adopts an eremitical lifestyle," explained Mother Beatrice. "She occupies the Order's hermitage until the end of oestrus time."

At full moon, the Sisters celebrate Howlingmas, and yap a daily seven-fold office. Dog years form the basis for counting time in the monastery.

The first five life professed Sisters of St. Sithney

l-r: Sr. M. Dixie of Blue Feels; Sr. M. Sylvia of Sibley;

Sr. M. Carmen Miranda; Sr. M. St. Hydrophobia, & Sr. M. Purina of Kibble.