Roadkill, New York--This sleepy hollow town got a rude awakening recently. The Sisters of St. Elen Luydogg, whose convent is located here, announced publication of a new prayer book for members of the Ecclesial Body of the USA.
'The sisters decided they were tired of masculine language in the psalter,' explained Mother M. Bruise Lee to Dogma Review, 'so we decided to rewrite the psalms to remove any vestige of masculinity from them.'
Mr Bruise (photo, left) continued, 'The reform started one day when Sr. Linda Sphincter came into my office and dropped a floppy disk on my desk. "I'm sick of all the masculine language in the psalter," she told me. "I've been doing some work on it. Would you be willing to format my work so we can begin using these psalms in chapel?"'
According to Mr Bruise, this revision has resulted in enriched prayers. 'Many women are now represented in the antiphons,' she said, 'and their voices are heard in appropriate places.' She added that prayers also refer to the cosmos and to other developments in the life of their religious community.
'Of course, now that we are baptising and ordaining dogs, we will want to include references to canine candidates. For example, we would like to add Lassie to our calendar, but she died unbaptised,' Mr Bruise said.
So that readers may experience the sisters' forward-looking renewal activities, they have granted permission to Dogma Review to print their rendition of Psalm 23.
The Almighty is my leader. I have everything I want.
I am fed in a green pasture and am led forth beside waters of comfort.
My soul, if I have a soul, is converted, if it can be converted.
I shall be brought forth in the paths of righteousness for the sake of the name of the Almighty.
Yes, I might walk through the valley of the shadow of death
but I don't have to fear evil because there is no such thing as evil.
You are with me. Your vagina and your vulva comfort me.
You set a table for me against those who trouble me.
You anoint my head with oil and my vagina shall be full.
Your lovingkindness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.
And I shall crash in your house forever.
Glory be to the Parent and to the Offspring and to the Holy Wind:
As it was &c
24 comments:
Oh too wonderful!
You get the annual pun prize for 'tonus pair o'ginas!!!'
Now, what can we do about Jesus to make him acceptable to the good sisters?
This is what intellectuals manage to do to mysteries of the Faith.
HOLY CRAP, "N"...
Hi Tim
Hope you aren't 'shocked' as I think you are a rare bird with a fantasticulour sense of humour and wry if not sardonic philosophy.
WHAT!
Lassie is dead...?
Though asked to be girl's patron saint,
You knew they'd not cease their complaint
For husbands and babies,
And thought dogs with rabies
Would show a bit more restraint.
A limerick for St. Sithney
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